bitches gotta eat!

samantha irby
judge mathis recaps + occasional sad garbage
Created 17 Dec 2018
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  • who's on judge mathis today? #198
    18 Oct 2021 • 7 min read
    plaintiff: yehuda from chicago, illinois. yehuda is dressed for a wild night at excalibur circa 2009: shiny silver satin buttonless blazer, pale lavender v-neck, thick silver rope chain twinkling unde...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #197
    13 Oct 2021 • 4 min read
    plaintiff: ashley from buffalo, new york. ashley is a zaftig beauty in a knit periwinkle tunic with a scoop neck and ¾ sleeves, i.e. THE casually dressy midwestern mom shirt. way back in the early 00s...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #196
    04 Oct 2021 • 5 min read
    plaintiff: will from st. paul, minnesota. i went to minneapolis once during a book tour and the twin cities are cute as hell. i did a reading at this bookstore called moon palace that has a pizza shop...
  • some cute, sexy roman and gerri fanfic
    01 Oct 2021 • 6 min read
    setting: hmm, where should they be…gerri’s apartment? have we seen gerri’s apartment yet???? from what i can remember roman lives in a cool and clean and modern very expensive box, so let’s do this at...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #195
    15 Sep 2021 • 5 min read
    ~a bit of housekeeping~ this probably applies to none of you happily reading this rn, BUT: you gotta be out of your motherfucking rabbit ass mind if you think you can talk shit to me about this email ...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #194
    08 Sep 2021 • 7 min read
    plaintiff: martell from montgomery, illinois. pretty sure he is wearing the exact same outfit i wore for picture day in the fifth grade: burgundy v-neck sweater, hot pink collared shirt beneath. the o...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #193
    07 Sep 2021 • 4 min read
    plaintiff: deandre from fort wayne, indiana. deandre is wearing a purple checked shirt and enormous diamond studs, and it’s clear he’s been doing his skincare because my man’s face is downright lumino...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #192
    04 Sep 2021 • 7 min read
    plaintiff: ugh i just logged into outlook and saw an email from the cut with the subject line “the global pursuit of a bigger butt” and I LOGGED THE FUCK BACK OUT. i’m not gonna put too fine of a poin...
  • things i am watching and/or reading and/or listening to instead of doing my work
    03 Sep 2021 • 9 min read
    survivor am i the last remaining dinosaur watching this fucking show? probably! was i a paying subscriber of paramount+ before it was cool to have access to all 40 seasons so i could watch them ad nau...
  • who's on judge mathis today? #191
    19 Aug 2021 • 5 min read
    plaintiff: shawmika from buffalo, new york. omg shawmika looks so mad and sad walking into the courtroom that i almost didn’t notice her clothes? she appears to be on the verge of tears, which is very...
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