Juliane Bergmann
Airing dirty laundry in public. I write about things that scare the shit out of me, imaginary friends, stuff I've done that makes me want to crawl in a hole, unexpectedly beautiful interactions, and inappropriately funny things.
Created 08 May 2021
  • Boring is sexy and vanilla is delicious
    24 Nov 2021 • 10 min read • 2 3
    Stories. Photo by Itai Aarons on Unsplash I’m high-performing at work, and I have 35 tabs open on my computer at all times. I rarely miss deadlines or appointments, and my desk looks like somebody spi...
  • Why I don’t feel bad about cheating on my husband
    17 Nov 2021 • 15 min read • 2 8
    Stories. One of my old sketches of a couple. Are they happy? What do you think? Why I don’t feel bad about cheating on my husband We met on a plane. Plane meet-cutes are common in movies but in real l...
  • I'm doing it for the kids!
    10 Nov 2021 • 9 min read • 2 0
    Stories. Photo by Fabrizio Verrecchia from Pexels Every morning I get up at 6:45 am to see the two youngest off to the bus. They don't care if I get up and come downstairs in my stretchy pants and bed...
  • When was the first time you ever felt ugly?
    03 Nov 2021 • 11 min read • 1 0
    Stories. I polled my network with the title question and the responses shattered my heart into tiny little splinters. You know how people tell you you should speak to yourself as if you were speaking ...
  • What's so funny?
    27 Oct 2021 • 10 min read • 4 0
    Stories. Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash When my father died, a family member told me he wanted to donate his body to science. I blurted out, who the fuck would want his body? We both started laug...
  • My mother's ring and my father's coin
    19 Oct 2021 • 14 min read • 1 0
    Stories. I sit on the fluffy carpet, my legs pulled up, my back against the couch, my milk-drunk, sleepy newborn facing me, resting against my thighs. Eyes closed, mouth partially open with a little m...
  • 13-Year Old Slut
    12 Oct 2021 • 12 min read • 3 1
    Stories. Thiago Matos from Pexels When I get out of the car, after my mom picks me up from ballet class, I immediately see the word in giant red letters across the side of my house: S L U T I’m an awk...
  • Fuck the "growth mindset"
    06 Oct 2021 • 8 min read • 2 0
    Stories. Photo by Live Richer on Unsplash It is the late 2000s and I’m at my local target with a crinkly $100 bill that I got from my then-husband. I don’t remember if he gave me the money for a speci...
  • Marriage is overrated
    29 Sep 2021 • 16 min read • 2 0
    Stories. Photo by Andreas Rønningen on Unsplash 18 years ago I left my life, my family, my country, my school, my friends, my home to move to the U.S. to marry a guy I thought I was in love with, whom...
  • Attention Whores vs. Unfuckwithables and why I love Cardi B
    22 Sep 2021 • 8 min read • 3 5
    Stories. Photo by ALEXANDRE DINAUT on Unsplash My costume is cinched tight, I've re-laced my pointe shoes again and again. My hands are shaking as I stand in the wall of curtains waiting for my cue. R...
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