How Not to F*ck Up Your Face

Valerie Monroe
philosophical and practical advice for anyone who's ever looked into a mirror
Created 29 Jan 2021
  • A Better F Word
    16 Nov 2021 • 3 min read • 9 5
    Why does it seem more important with each passing year to be able to forgive? I wrote this for O, The Oprah Magazine, remembering a time when forgiveness was a concept I was sadly unfamiliar with. I u...
  • How to F*ck Up Your Face
    09 Nov 2021 • 3 min read • 6 8
    The doctor hesitated just before leaving me in the hands of a physician assistant in the treatment room. “You can call your next post, ‘How to F*ck Up Your Face!’” she said gleefully as she slipped ou...
  • Scorpio Season
    02 Nov 2021 • 6 min read • 13 27
    Good morning, dear Substack friends. I hope by the time you read this I’ll be in finer spirits, but at the moment I’m in a bad, bad mood. This tends to happen around my birthday, which I mention only ...
  • Makeover Magic
    26 Oct 2021 • 4 min read • 5 17
    Call me macabre (‘tis the season after all) but I want to know what supermodel Linda Evangelista’s “brutal disfigurement” looks like. (The only google images that come up show her looking like an attr...
  • That's Entertainment!
    19 Oct 2021 • 3 min read • 8 11
    Early one weekend afternoon some years ago, I spent a couple of hours in a park swarming with parents nuzzling their babies, with partying children running around, faces painted like clowns, like fair...
  • Putting Yourself First
    12 Oct 2021 • 3 min read • 7 10
    Reading Patricia Volk’s lovely (and funny) memoir, Stuffed, about growing up in a big, nutty, creative family (her great-grandfather introduced pastrami to the U.S.), I started thinking about affectio...
  • Blush's Quirky Little Secret
    05 Oct 2021 • 3 min read • 7 9
    The older I get, the less I wear. Makeup, that is. Why? The reason lies in the very point of wearing it—to imitate the appearance of robust health and reproductive vigor. (And you thought you were onl...
  • That Slippery Slope
    28 Sep 2021 • 3 min read • 8 10
    How would you feel if someone you hadn’t seen in a while gazed at you in genuine amazement and said, “What the hell? You look younger than the last time I saw you!” I’m guessing it wouldn’t send you c...
  • The Pleasure Principle
    21 Sep 2021 • 3 min read • 4 4
    Good news...after bad. If it takes vanity to trigger your environmental activism, your time has come: Climate change is having an effect on our skin and, as you might have guessed, it’s not good, as r...
  • Blade Runner
    14 Sep 2021 • 4 min read • 10 9
    I want to say a few words about intention before I get to the story in this post. Intention is coming up because I’m in a bit of a pickle on the advice front. Bottom line: My eyebrows have officially ...
  • View More on Substack »